I lay quietly in the very early hours of the morning, contemplating my world and the universe, thinking about my day and my week and my life and the future. “Are you okay my love? You don’t seem yourself” I thought about this question for a minute before replying, “When you work out who ‘myself’ is let me know” I forced a smile and a single large tear rolled down my cheek.
I read a book once “Don’t let anything dull your sparkle” by Pam Grout. I wondered how often we do that in life, how much of what happens to us do we consciously and unconsciously allow to dull our sparkle. In my case I have become increasingly aware in the last few months that a very real part of me is absent. I wondered as I lay there if it was my sparkle that was missing? I have felt at times like it has not so much been dulled, more borrowed temporarily (or permanently), and taken to another dimension by an exceptionally special person. It reminded me I have a choice as to whether I focus on the ‘missing’ part or the part that means Ben has taken a piece of me with him into his new world? Both of these options evoke very different emotions.
Everything we do in our life and everything that happens to us has some sort of impact or imprint on us. Everything that is said to us from before we are born and everything that we tell ourselves from then on creates a part of who we become.
Friday the 13th came and went this week and I listened to conversations around ‘black Friday’ and ‘wow, you better watch out, today’s Friday 13th’. I must admit this is foreign to me as Sam and I were brought up to believe Friday the 13th was good luck! That should give you some insight into my mother and could explain a lot about us 😊 It illustrated a point though that a lot of what we learn as a child, we believe and carry forward to the next generation as I did with Ben.
We have never been concerned with black cats or walking under ladders in fact it was encouraged! If we saw a black cat it was considered good luck and the worst thing that happens if you walk under a ladder is you may get some paint dripped on you. I can still see the look on Ben’s face the first time I walked deliberately under a ladder with him before his face melted into a huge smile. Mind you, I remember his delight as we continued to kick the football one afternoon as the rain bucketed down and our clothes literally dripped as we walked home beaming. I remembered how my mother took my sister and I for ice cream very late one night some 30+ years prior as the rain poured down on us then as well.
So, what we tell ourselves, is what we believe to be true and dictates how we will act and perform moving forward. It is our truth but not necessarily someone else’s truth which then begs the question ‘how do we know what is the REAL truth’… but I am sure that is a post for another day.
Sometimes regardless of how things seem we have to keep going. We make this choice deliberately hopefully moving through the uncomfortable ‘feeling’ or our state of ‘being’. There is no question this can be incredibly challenging seemingly impossible at times, but it is definitely do-able.
I happened to be standing in a bank recently when I read a message from a beautiful friend saying she had finished reading my book and shared her thoughts on it and her affection for Ben. Thank goodness there was a queue as I stood there my eyes dropping tears behind dark sunglasses. I made a choice in that moment to make the experience a positive one and to remember how awesome having Ben was and is. As I completed my transaction at the teller the lady saw my key-ring, with the photo that is posted on FBS with a young Ben sticking his tongue out. Her face lit up and she exclaimed “Oh wow, he’s so gorgeous!” I looked down at it and smiled and replied “Yes, yes he IS!”