My (metaphorical) parachute was strapped on. I felt energised. Joyful. And a little nervous. What would life look like on my return? What did my future hold? As if reading my thoughts the voice said, ‘It’s okay. You have the tools now. You have spent time going deep, deep within you, and you are better equipped now to create your future and your vision, in a more powerful way than ever before‘.
I smiled. There was a sense of clarity and knowing that everything they had told me was the truth. And I was ready.
10 days earlier ….
I arrived with an open mind. With it, I brought my thoughts, my questions, and an overwhelming desire to take the next step. To go within. To step up to the next level. To figure out more of what I hadn’t figured out so far.
My journey began… with my first lesson…
Never compare yourself to others.
You are loved for exactly who you are and
for exactly HOW you are.
I found myself in the midst of strangers with nothing obviously in common. I unconsciously checked my guard, my walls, and my barriers. Perimeter checked—all secure. I heard my mind say. Unbeknownst to me, this would not serve me and only reinforce the feeling of complete disconnection I would soon experience.
I remembered something I had heard once.
Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle.
And so it had begun. 10 incredible days where so many things wouldn’t make sense. My integrity would be challenged and I would regularly find myself asking, where do I fit in here? what am I doing here??
I listened intently to the talks and tried to embody everything they were saying. I tried to feel what others said they were feeling. My awareness was tested beyond reasonable logic. And with it, came another lesson.
STOP TRYING. There is no ‘try’. You either do or you don’t.
The more you try, the more you push,
the further away you will find yourself from what you really want.
Surrender and receive.
I had walked into this environment as a strong and confident woman in a good space in life, mentally and physically. After all, I had navigated challenges beyond the imagination of most people. And I was still standing! I was the tree that bends and bows in the strongest wind and remains firm and rooted in the ground.
But then the tears started to flow and I felt that familiar feeling. I was beginning to crack.
Oh dear Source, I can’t unravel now. I have worked too hard to get to this point. I CAN’T break now, especially NOT here!
Over the coming days, I would be mentally and emotionally pushed to breaking point and one step beyond. I would cry an ocean of tears, often not knowing what I was even crying about. And I would spend many a night looking up at the night sky, sobbing and pleading to the Universe, ‘What do you want from me?’
As each day went by, I was presented with more questions than answers.
Why do you feel you need a role?
Who are you when you don’t have one?
Who are you when no one is watching you?
Who are you when no one needs you?
WHO ARE YOU??
I was pushed to find my purpose. To test my commitment. To determine my level of faith and belief. And when all that was done I was told to ask the Universe to present me with any challenges.
I cannot put into words the powerful feeling that can only be experienced when you do this type of work. In the dark of night. And in the middle of the wild.
The only sounds are the sounds of nature.
The bats squealing in the trees.
The wind blowing leaves on high-up branches, making an eerie whooshing sound.
The forest creatures going about their night business in bushes and scrub nearby.
I was not afraid.
There is an incredible energy that is experienced when you realise that you are here and the magnitude of that fact.
Once stretched, you can never go back to who you were before.
Once expanded you are permanently expanded, and even if it’s only slightly visible, or not visible at all, you are never the same again.
I had thought that I would go into a course where I could absorb the content and bask in the opportunity to take my beliefs and spirituality to the next level. In less than 24 hours I realised my journey had nothing to do with the course content. It was simply a framework and a byproduct of what I would learn.
And so I sat. On the ground deep within the forest. By myself. Looking up to the moon late into the night and early hours of the morning. This time I was cold and tired. I had been pushed far beyond my comfort zone. I had passed my ‘edge’.
I give up, I heard myself say out loud. I have no more tears. I don’t know what you want. I don’t know what I am searching for, trying to attain, or trying to get. I just don’t know. The tears now rolling calmly and silently down my cheeks. The only thing I know is that I trust I already have everything inside me, all that I need, to live a purposeful life.
Perhaps it was because I released that last bit of control. I surrendered and just allowed myself to be open to receive, I don’t know. But at that moment, the wind stopped blowing and the night was still. And a gentle cloak of peace enveloped me.
The last day …
‘You are ready’ they said gently and with a loving smile, they nudged me into freefall. I felt my (metaphorical) parachute firmly secured and in seconds felt the exhilarating feeling that comes with a sense of achievement and knowing. I had done it! And it was AMAZING!
It was peaceful that freefall. It was bliss and it was beautiful.
And then I noticed images coming into vision. I was heading back to earth and into a turbulent thunderstorm. I did whatever I could to remain grounded and cocooned in the experience of my previous 10 days. But, things were being thrown at me from every direction. I remembered what I had been taught and I didn’t respond. I simply observed.
The narratives became louder, the lights brighter, the noise incessant, the choices too many. Suddenly I felt a long long way from where I had just been. The challenges were ridiculous and the obstacles endless.
Wait…No! I heard myself say. This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. How did I get to here from where I’ve been? Is this reality? I was reminded of the Serenity Prayer.
Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
As I folded up the last of my washing that morning, a dry brown leaf was stuck to one of my socks. It crunched as I removed it. I held it for a second, smiled, and closed my eyes. I was instantly transported back to a place so precious to me where I had been just days before, deep within the forest.
And once again the voice said gently, It’s okay. You are ready. You have all the tools to manifest your vision, to make a difference, and create a future more powerful than you ever imagined. And this is just the beginning…
Dalya xx 💙