I woke up and before I’d even opened my eyes, I knew what day it was. I couldn’t remember the dream, only the words repeating in my head, ‘It’s not about the words, it’s always about the feeling.’
‘Does this apply to everything?’ I questioned. My initial thought was it was in relation to my writing, but is it how I interact with others as well? Is it about how I speak and relate to people? My work? My blog? My general conversations? Is it a reminder or a direction?
The answer to all the questions is probably – Yes.
And so here I am …
Some people will remember the 30th of September as the day marking my Ben’s official passing back into the spirit realm. I say my Ben, but I know he was never really mine. He just chose to stay with me for a while, a mere snippet of his overall journey and soul purpose. How honoured am I.
Others will have thought of Ben this past week and smiled fondly, I hope you’re travelling well bro, we miss you.
I remember the week beginning the 26th of September as one that marked a pivotal moment and change in the direction and course of my life… and others.
It’s not just on the 26th or the 30th of this month. I wake up in July, January, August and December and every other month of the year and remember. This is my reality, and I don’t get the luxury of only missing and remembering Ben once or twice a year. And yet I am largely who I am today because of the events of this week. How grateful am I.
This week or events have not defined me but have definitely shaped me and directed the road I am currently on. How lucky am I.
I recently spent time in what a friend of mine calls ‘the jungle’. I smile as I think of her. She is like me and also carries the loss of her beautiful boy, not just on anniversaries but every other day as well. As I think of her, I also honour her son today.
Each day in the jungle I took time to go within and feel into what my body was telling me and, with only the birds chirping and singing breaking the silence, I listened for messages or whispers from my soul.
Each day I thought of Ben. Sometimes my eyes filled, and large quiet tears overflowing with love and sadness rolled down my cheeks. Other times I smiled, ‘Hey buddy’, closing my eyes and mentally sending him a mother’s hug.
I don’t recognise the woman I was 5 years ago. She is so far from who I am today. I don’t know what I would even say if I met her now. There are no words, it’s just a feeling.
I have unconsciously (and consciously) changed a lot over the years. Today I embrace these changes and the ones that I know are yet to happen. I have spent so much time grieving the person I once was, but not anymore. I have come to like – even love, who I am today. I realise the power I hold to make an even bigger difference in the world than I ever could have as the other woman… and yet we are one and the same. What a gift it is to be given the chance to create a new version of myself.
While I was in the jungle, I was posed many questions and some by a soul sister. I describe her this way as there is a knowing she is part of my soul circle.
[For those of you that are unfamiliar with this term, I believe that before we come to earth we are all part of a single family (humanity) which is broken down into smaller soul circles. In every life, we drift in and out of each other’s, connecting, reconnecting, and playing out different roles.]
It’s not about the words, and always about the feeling and there are clear signs for me that these relationships are ‘different’ and profoundly special. Eye contact is deep and engaging. You are inexplicably drawn to the person, you seem to speak the same language and there is a natural feeling of being so comfortable with them. You can easily and freely share your deepest thoughts and secrets. And there is a sense of ‘having met them before’.
And so, this soul sister asked me many questions including,
‘Who are you when no one needs you? Who ARE YOU?’
And so, my gorgeous Benny, today I thank you for giving me the opportunity to consciously and deliberately figure out who I really am. The real me, and the ‘who I am’ when no one needs me, when I have no role to play, and when no one is watching.
You are a major player in my soul circle and I probably knew this from the beginning. Those nights I lay in the early hours of the morning, smiling and gently rubbing my hand across you in my belly, I was (re)connecting with you before you were even born.
I know that we have been in each other’s lives many times before and we will be again in the future. I am filled with bittersweet joy knowing that you are always with me and that even in my darkest moments when I can’t hear you or see you and am too deep in my sadness to feel you, you never leave me.
I am filled with excited energy and deep love knowing that we will be connected forever and no distance of space or time can change that.
And so, on the 30th of September, I honour you, as I honour you every other month of the year, and in everything I do.
You are missed by many my boy and loved on such a deep level it literally feels like it breaks some of us at times.
And you are giving us the ultimate gift, and giving us back to ourselves, allowing us to ask the question ‘Who am I?’ as a result of having you in our lives. How blessed are we.
Dalya and Mum xx 💙