I used to have a saying: “I could wake up dead tomorrow.” It was my way of expressing the fear of not getting things done, of missed opportunities because my time ran out. Then a wise man said to me, “Wouldn’t it be worse if you woke up alive and realised that you weren’t doing what matters most and had another day to live in the aftermath of lost opportunities?”. This observation stopped me in my tracks. I have thought about it often. And so, AB, thank you for bringing us this week’s topic of conversation.
It struck me that perhaps the biggest decision or even sacrifice we can make is to choose to live for something, rather than be willing to die for it. And when I say live, I mean truly live – without numbing ourselves or turning to other avoidance strategies. This feels especially relevant when we are faced with loss. That might be the physical loss of a loved one, or a relationship, a job, a business, an identity or even a long-held dream – any experience that invokes pain or sadness and a sense that something essential is missing.
It can be incredibly challenging to get back up and keep going when you are confronted with loss, especially the loss of someone you love. But isn’t the power in living because of them, rather than walking around as dead people breathing? I know this is easier said than done. While I don’t walk in your shoes or know exactly what your challenge has been, I do know what it’s like to feel like life has cracked you open, and the power of rebuilding the foundation of who you truly are.
Losing any kind of a relationship, through death, distance, or disconnection, can leave us feeling like we’re stumbling through our days in the dark, wondering who we are and where we’re meant to be going. After Ben, I went through a long period of time not knowing who I was, what I was doing, or even if I cared. The single event that dismantled my life as I knew it left me with one I didn’t recognise or want! I questioned whether I had control over anything, and whether it even mattered.
I often hear people speak about “the young people of today” in a tone of blame or judgment, as if we adults know exactly what they need without ever asking or listening to them. Yet when I look at Ben’s friends, and the friends and siblings of so many other young people touched by loss, I don’t see delinquency or a “sense of entitlement”. I see resilience. I see kids in out-of-home care, doing the best they can, despite unimaginable trauma and pain, still fighting to navigate their way through each day. And I wonder, is there a more powerful demonstration of strength in living than theirs?
Perhaps it serves as a timely reminder that we are not defined by what we have done or experienced, but by who we’ve become and who we continue to become as a result. And that we do have the power to shape.
So tomorrow, when you wake up alive, I hope you will do something purposeful and meaningful to make your time count. You’re still here, and you get to choose how you will dance in the rain.
A huge thank you to my kids who organised and celebrated Ben’s 23rd birthday last week.
You made more of a difference than you know.
Much Love
Dalya & Ben xx 💙