I wrote a post some weeks back on Finding Your Purpose and today I want to continue on with this theme. Well, not so much finding your purpose as such, but participating in your own rescue.
The three of us sat down for coffee. From the outside, we looked like three good friends having a chat and a joke. We might also have looked like three cheerful women solving some of the world’s problems over chai’s, cappuccinos, and laughter
We looked like normal people, and perhaps that’s a major point for today. Each of us looked normal and yet there was a common thread of devastation that had brought us together that was not obvious to an observer.
Between the three of us, we had lost two 17yo daughters and one 15yo son and yet anyone watching us laugh together would never have suspected.
There was a familiarity and a deep comfort as we sat together. A sense of peace and knowing that we didn’t need to explain – the others would just get it.
We talked about a range of topics, including life, death, grief, work, friendship, and expectations, and we took comfort in all of us agreeing and acknowledging how much we had changed since before our kids died.
Sometimes we see a glimpse of the person we used to be, other times we can look in the mirror and not recognise the person staring back at us. As we peer quizzically into their eyes we often wonder who they are and if it’s possible they are really us, changed beyond recognition.
As I said goodbye, I smiled and hugged my new friends. I felt uplifted and supported, heard and understood. And as I drove away I thought about how I admired these women and all the other bereaved mothers I get to call my friends.
They have every reason to sit in the corner and rock for the rest of their lives. They have every excuse to not get out of bed or come out of their rooms for days on end. These women could absolutely be justified in blaming their circumstances for a sometimes crappy attitude or a lack of motivation.
And yet I realised we all had something else in common. We had all been active participants in our own rescue.
I recently came across author Edith Egars also a psychologist and holocaust survivor. Edith once said that whilst it was reasonable to feel like they were the prisoners in the concentration camps, it was, in fact, the guards who were the real prisoners, as they were prisoners of their own conscience.
The biggest prison is in your own mind,
– Edith Egars
and in your pocket you hold the key
None of us get through life without tough times. And none of us gets out alive!
Yes, some of our lives appear to be harder than others, but it’s often those that have had the hardest lives of the most painful experiences that complain the least. And many of these people go on to inspire and do great things because of what they have experienced.
When you lose a child you realise that no matter what happens to you after that, nothing will compare and you can get through anything. And when you listen to people around you complaining about this ailment or that, or the multitude of reasons (excuses) they have for not doing anything with their lives – It’s infuriating!
Trauma is the invisible force that shapes our lives. It shapes the way we live, the way we love and the way we make sense of the world. It is the root of our deepest wounds.
– dr gabor mate
It’s not good enough to lie down and say, “this is how I’ve always been, I can’t change”.
Change is a choice people! And you need to participate in your own rescue!
And thousands of people around the world that are way worse off than you have done it!
It reminds me of the joke about the tradies and the lightbulb.
How many tradies does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – the lightbulb has to want to change.
Perhaps the better question to ask is, how many lightbulbs does it take to change a person?
We’ve ALL had sh*t happen in our lives.
And each day that we are alive we get to choose, and choose, and choose again.
We get to decide how we will respond to life and others.
We have 100% control over our attitude and our actions.
We get to make different choices and work around/through the reasons we blame for where we currently are.
No one said it was easy, but isn’t having a fulfilling, purposeful, and joy-filled life worth it??
Or would you rather spend your entire life living as a dead person and risk being buried twice?
Much love
Dalya xx 💙